Throughout labor, I had very little concept of time. At one point Kat came to tell me she was going home to nurse her little one. I found it a bit odd since she'd only just arrived, but figured she just hadn't had a chance to do so before leaving home. When she got back it seemed she'd only been gone for a few contractions but as they were coming on fast, I imagine she'd been gone for more than just a few. A little while later Keith asked me what time I thought it was; I said maybe 11am, he answered that it was after 5 in the evening. Later, someone said that Mairi, Erin and Kat were betting on whether the baby would come that day; I thought this very odd to be betting so early in the evening and didn't entirely appreciate the implication that I'd be laboring that many more hours. After all, it had only just gotten dark. I didn't realize it was so late - nearly 10 or 11pm at that point.
Eventually, I started feeling pushy. My body pushed a few times on it's own, surprising me. Mairi checked me again but I was only 8cm so she said to try not to push too hard, just enough to relieve a little pressure; I couldn't help it though, my body was taking over. I remember pushing a few times and crying out that I couldn't not push. She said that was OK, to let my body do its thing. The baby must have been making a big move at that point because I only remember that lasting a little while; after a few involuntary pushes, I was pushing only lightly on my own.
The next time I was checked, I was dilated to ten and given the all clear to push. I was eager to do so, but don't specifically remember having an urge to push at that point. At the suggestion of the midwives I got out of the tub and moved to the bed. I started out pushing on my knees, draped over the birth ball but the baby was positioned forward in my pelvis with lots of room towards the back, so Mairi and Erin suggested I lay down. They acknowledged it's not usually the best position but in my case it would help utilize the extra space toward my back. So I lay down against Keith and pushed...and pushed...and pushed. My contractions were odd at that point: I would have one big one, then another smaller one just behind it, then a bit of a lull. The pattern surprised the others; I remember Erin and Keith both asking me, "Another one, already?" several times.
Pushing was much harder than I thought it would be and I never quite got the hang of it. Mairi and Erin switched off helping me, pushing down on the area I needed to focus on, trying to direct me to push in a way that would make the most progress. I tried, but the only times I got reassurance that I was doing it correctly was when my body took over and the pushing became involuntary. I would start pushing when a contraction came and then my body would take over, pushing for me, then Mairi or Erin would cheer, "Yes, that's it!" At some point there was a small flurry of activity and I noticed everyone talking in hushed tones. Somehow I figured out that they'd seen meconium and though they didn't mention it to me at the time I was concerned and knew I needed to keep pushing hard and get the baby out as quickly as I could.
Three hours into pushing and the head was finally crowning; Mairi urged me to look at the mirror they were holding in place and see the little tuft of dark hair peeking out, to reach down and touch her head. I did, but only briefly. I was too focused on pushing and just wanted to get this done. No more distractions. Finally, Mairi said, "One more push and you're gonna see your baby!" I gave one more huge push, straining with everything I had, and felt something burst out. The way I remember it, she came out all at once, but we have pictures with just her head out, so it must have been two pushes at least. I felt her body slip out and Mairi called for me to look down and see my baby. I hadn't realized I was done and was a bit surprised that she was out.
Then she was in my arms, on my chest. I looked at my beautiful baby, speechless. I think I said something along the lines of "My baby" and then "I did it." "Yes, you did!" everyone cheered. Everyone helped me sit up a bit and take off my top so as to get skin-to-skin with my baby. They rubbed her off a bit and covered her up. I lay there with her for what seemed like hours, Keith next to us, both of adoring our new little girl.
The feeling of holding my just-born baby, covered in vernix and with beet red skin (which lasted for days), was like nothing I've ever experienced. I could not take my eyes off her. She was a gorgeous, dark-haired bundle of perfection. She lay in my arms, awake and content to look around and take in this new world. They made no attempts to take her away and even let me hold her while I pushed out the placenta (which they lay next to us, Ani still connected) and they stitched me up, saying it actually was more comfortable for mom if the baby was in her arms. I had to lay on my back for the stitches and Erin helped me get her in just the right position for nursing. She latched on right away, suckling eagerly.
Eventually Keith cut the umbilical cord and they took her and cleaned her up (she had several meconium poops in the first hour or two - apparently there was a lot in there, hence the meconium before birth; she had no side effects from this, however) and weighed her (8lbs, 4oz and probably closer to 8, 8 before the meconium!). I got up and showered and ate and Keith held her then for the first time.
In the end I labored for 20 1/2 hours, including 3 1/2 hours of pushing. Mairi and Erin thought Ani was probably posterior, explaining the long labor; they'd seen her move her head around quite a bit as I was pushing and thought she'd turned at the last possible minute. Mairi told me that from the time I'd questioned whether I could go on - at 6 cm - to the time Ani was born was 7 hours.
It was a long, intense labor. But the result - a beautiful, alert daughter, a birth high uninhibited by drugs or unnecessary time away from my baby, being the first to hold her, just moments after her birth, seeing my firstborn hours afterward and introducing her to her sister, recouperating in our bed surrounded by family - was amazing. Letting my body work in the way it was meant to and experiencing the full effects of the birth and birth and postpartum hormones led to such a feeling of peace and contentment. Even in the new-baby-no-sleep days following Ani's birth, I was so happy to be a new mom and to spend my days caring for her. Gaining the knowledge that my body is not faulty and can birth a baby and feed her without complications was incredibly empowering. Learning that I can birth a baby that is almost 1 1/2lbs bigger than the baby born by ceasarean was incredibly healing. It also showed me that the research I'd done that led me to choose homebirth was on target and that I was right to make the decisions I did. (Look for more on this research in the next blog post of this series.)
The following days were somewhat of a challenge to physically heal as I did have a tear that did not heal well at first and my hips, especially, were incredibly sore for a few days. Expecting to be able to jump right out of bed and go about my day after a homebirth, I was a bit surprised by the recovery time I needed. But the time I got to spend in bed bonding with my daughter was a complete and total blessing. In one post-birth checkup a couple weeks after the birth, Mairi told me I looked "serene". Though I didn't and don't always feel that way, I do believe this experience, this birth of my second daughter, has resulted in my own rebirth and an underlying serenity that was not there prior to Ani's birth. I know now just what I'm capable of, what I can do, if I just give myself the chance and insist that others do the same.
Ani Kathryn Nelson was born at 1:21am on November 7, 2009. She weighed 8lbs, 4oz and was 21 1/4 inches long. Her middle name, Kathryn, honors our doula and friend, Kathryn (Kat) Haines, without whom I may never have know HBAC is possible. Ani was born with dark hair and a darker complexion than Aria's but has her sister's eyes.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Journey to Homebirth, Part II: Ani's Birth (A)
This is the second installment in my Journey to Homebirth series. Part 3 will explore the research I did and emotional journey I took in order to choose a homebirth VBAC for the birth of my second baby. As Ani just turned 9 months old, I wanted to post her birth story (finally!) now.
I awoke at 5am to two contractions. I'd been having Braxton-Hicks for months and contractions throughout the day and night for days, though, so while they got my attention I didn't immediately think anything of it. I started to get out of bed, intending to make yet another way-too-early-in-the morning trip to the bathroom, and felt a gush as my water broke. I woke up Keith and asked for a towel, trying to make sure our not-yet-protected mattress was kept dry. He jumped up, excited, and ran to get the towel. After making it to the bathroom, I walked around a bit, restless. I was having contractions but they were quite manageable and coming only every 5-7 minutes or so. As it was so early we waited a bit to call anyone and stayed in our bedroom, trying not to wake Aria (in bed with us) or my mom, who was in the next room. When Aria did wake up we spent a few quiet moments with her, enjoying our last morning as a family of three.
At 7am we called one of my midwives, Mairi, and my doula/birth assistant, Kat, letting them know what was going on. At that point everything felt quite manageable on our own. Mairi decided to come by in a bit, just to check on me and to let Erin, my other midwife, know what was going on. We told Kat she could stay home as we were expecting Mairi to just come by for a few minutes and then to leave again until later in the day and didn't want people to hang around, bored and away from their families, in our small apartment. I walked around a bit doing general morning stuff, getting some water and some breakfast. My mom congratulated me, which caught me a bit off guard at the time. I don't think it had yet sunk in that the baby was really coming; I was thinking more about the journey ahead. I should have finished packing Aria's bag for my mom to take and made sure she knew where it was, but I still believed I had lots of time and would be involved in getting her ready to leave when the time came. I think I was also starting a turn inward that I didn't even know I was making. Labor was getting more intense quickly and I was already more inside my head than I realized. An hour later contractions were coming every 4 minutes and felt like they were double peaking, taking more of my concentration to get through. I asked Keith to text Kat and let her know. She texted back right away and headed over.
Kat arrived first, I believe. We chatted a bit, a sudden lull in my contractions that made me embarrassed for having called her. They picked up again shortly, however, and I settled into the bedroom, the room I had always pictured as most comforting for labor. I leaned against the bed during contractions. Keith brought me a doll of Aria's - a big-eyed, brightly-colored Powerpuff girl - joking that it could help me. Surprisingly, I became attached to it, a piece of my beloved first daughter and a good memory, asking him not to move it for several contractions.
Mairi and Erin arrived soon, one after the other. They set up and took turns observing me, adopting a hands-off approach that allowed Keith and I to work together with few distractions. Kat became a messenger of sorts, staying with us during the labor and relaying information to them when needed. Poor Erin was nursing a broken foot, the result of a Vespa accident, and stayed in our living room as much as possible, listening and resting until she was needed, propping her foot up while she could. Giving us space, however, did not diminish our midwives level of care in any way. The layout of our small apartment meant they could hear everything, including the heartbeat each time Kat administered the doppler. The nook we used for the birth tub created a nest of sorts for me but allowed Mairi and Erin to stand back and observe and discuss without breaking my concentration at all. I felt at all times guided, supported and cared for while also being given the freedom to test my body's strength and the privacy to deal with each wave in the way that felt best for me.
As time went on Aria became more of a distraction, hyper and concerned about the goings-on and wanting to come and check on me every few minutes. I needed the freedom to not worry about her and to concentrate on myself and asked someone to make sure she stayed out of the bedroom. Sometime later I saw my mom usher her out the door; neither Keith nor I were sure of where they were going but knew the plan was for my mom to check into the hotel next door, so we were not too concerned. We also figured they would stop by sometime; in the end, though, we would not see her again until the baby was born. Believing we wanted Aria out of the apartment right away, my mom had rushed to get out the door before she was able to get Aria's things from us. It worked out and they were fine, but I felt badly that my poor planning had left them both high and dry without the bag of special toys and the list of local activities they could busy themselves with that I had prepared.
Keith had been filling up the birth tub since early morning and after contracting a while leaning on the bed focusing on Aria's Powerpuff girl or draping myself over a birth ball on the bed I was eager to move into it. I pulled my clothes off, keeping only a nursing bra on and earning the comment from Kat that she knew I was in real labor because I wasn't concerned with my nakedness. If I had been, she would've come too early. The tub was a godsend, worth every penny. It was where I would spend most of my labor. When I had to get out to go to the bathroom or move around I was not nearly as comfortable; the toilet was excruciating and other areas and positions just not as relaxing as the tub.
The first time I remember decelerations being an issue was when I had been in the tub for a short time. Kat looked for the baby's heart rate with the doppler but had trouble finding it because the baby was moving so much. When she did catch it for a moment, it was much slower than normal. She checked in with Mairi and Erin, who had been listening from their vantage point in the next room. Concerned, they came in to listen again; Mairi too had a hard time finding the heartbeat but Erin found it almost immediately. They had me change positions and the heart rate came back up. Throughout my labor this was the pattern, the baby's heart rate continually fluxuated and they monitored us both closely, changing my positioning and pulling me out of the tub at times to ensure she had the space she needed and didn't get too warm. And throughout labor, Erin had the magic touch, finding the baby's heartbeat instantaneously, even as she was doing somersaults in my belly.
My favorite labor position was leaning forward against the side of the tub, my arms and head draped over the top. Kat put a towel over the top so I could lay there comfortably; I held Keith's hand and during contractions pushed my forehead into his. I didn't realize how hard I was pushing until the next day, when I had a bruise on my forehead and rugburns on my chin from the towel.
At some point Kat brought me a washcloth scented with lemon aromatherapy drops. Between contractions I breathed in the delicious scent. I am normally very sensitive to scents and fragrances and have lots of allergies but during both pregnancies I've been obsessed with citrus. When pregnant I eat lemons by the slice, if not whole, wash my hair with grapefruit shampoo and clean the floors with lemon cleaner. I simply cannot get enough. Kat knew this about me and went out of her way to find the perfectly scented oil for my labor. Keith said later that I had a vice grip on that cloth. Once in my hands, I did not let this go for many hours; somehow breathing this in renewed my strength and resolve and concentration for the next wave to hit. It relaxed and energized me simultaneously.
Towards early evening, Mairi checked me for the first time and found I was at 6cm. "Is that IT?!?" I cried, frustrated. Mairi tried to reassure me, telling me that I was making progress, but there was a nagging at the back of my mind, reminding me that was where I'd gotten stuck during Aria's birth. I was aware of the continuing decels and kept asking "Is she OK?" I was starting to question whether I could do this. "I don't know, I don't know," I said to Mairi, unable to form a more eloquent thought or statement. Her response to my doubt got me through the rest of labor and the birth, still hours ahead of me: "You don't have to know whether you can make it through the rest of labor. All you have to know is whether you can make it through the next contraction." With a renewed sense of strength I refocused. I could make it through one more. Taking them one at a time I continued to make slow progress; I still doubted myself a bit, but knew I had a good team and lots of support and after each contraction I knew I had one more left in me. I could do this.
A little while later, Keith left the room for a few moments to grab a sandwich; when he came back he said he'd talked with Mairi and reminded her that I'd gotten stuck at six with Aria. She said she'd wished she'd remembered, that I was almost a 7, but she didn't want to get my hopes too high. Hearing that I was pushing past six, even a little, helped my confidence. My body was working, if slowly.
I awoke at 5am to two contractions. I'd been having Braxton-Hicks for months and contractions throughout the day and night for days, though, so while they got my attention I didn't immediately think anything of it. I started to get out of bed, intending to make yet another way-too-early-in-the morning trip to the bathroom, and felt a gush as my water broke. I woke up Keith and asked for a towel, trying to make sure our not-yet-protected mattress was kept dry. He jumped up, excited, and ran to get the towel. After making it to the bathroom, I walked around a bit, restless. I was having contractions but they were quite manageable and coming only every 5-7 minutes or so. As it was so early we waited a bit to call anyone and stayed in our bedroom, trying not to wake Aria (in bed with us) or my mom, who was in the next room. When Aria did wake up we spent a few quiet moments with her, enjoying our last morning as a family of three.
At 7am we called one of my midwives, Mairi, and my doula/birth assistant, Kat, letting them know what was going on. At that point everything felt quite manageable on our own. Mairi decided to come by in a bit, just to check on me and to let Erin, my other midwife, know what was going on. We told Kat she could stay home as we were expecting Mairi to just come by for a few minutes and then to leave again until later in the day and didn't want people to hang around, bored and away from their families, in our small apartment. I walked around a bit doing general morning stuff, getting some water and some breakfast. My mom congratulated me, which caught me a bit off guard at the time. I don't think it had yet sunk in that the baby was really coming; I was thinking more about the journey ahead. I should have finished packing Aria's bag for my mom to take and made sure she knew where it was, but I still believed I had lots of time and would be involved in getting her ready to leave when the time came. I think I was also starting a turn inward that I didn't even know I was making. Labor was getting more intense quickly and I was already more inside my head than I realized. An hour later contractions were coming every 4 minutes and felt like they were double peaking, taking more of my concentration to get through. I asked Keith to text Kat and let her know. She texted back right away and headed over.
Kat arrived first, I believe. We chatted a bit, a sudden lull in my contractions that made me embarrassed for having called her. They picked up again shortly, however, and I settled into the bedroom, the room I had always pictured as most comforting for labor. I leaned against the bed during contractions. Keith brought me a doll of Aria's - a big-eyed, brightly-colored Powerpuff girl - joking that it could help me. Surprisingly, I became attached to it, a piece of my beloved first daughter and a good memory, asking him not to move it for several contractions.
Mairi and Erin arrived soon, one after the other. They set up and took turns observing me, adopting a hands-off approach that allowed Keith and I to work together with few distractions. Kat became a messenger of sorts, staying with us during the labor and relaying information to them when needed. Poor Erin was nursing a broken foot, the result of a Vespa accident, and stayed in our living room as much as possible, listening and resting until she was needed, propping her foot up while she could. Giving us space, however, did not diminish our midwives level of care in any way. The layout of our small apartment meant they could hear everything, including the heartbeat each time Kat administered the doppler. The nook we used for the birth tub created a nest of sorts for me but allowed Mairi and Erin to stand back and observe and discuss without breaking my concentration at all. I felt at all times guided, supported and cared for while also being given the freedom to test my body's strength and the privacy to deal with each wave in the way that felt best for me.
As time went on Aria became more of a distraction, hyper and concerned about the goings-on and wanting to come and check on me every few minutes. I needed the freedom to not worry about her and to concentrate on myself and asked someone to make sure she stayed out of the bedroom. Sometime later I saw my mom usher her out the door; neither Keith nor I were sure of where they were going but knew the plan was for my mom to check into the hotel next door, so we were not too concerned. We also figured they would stop by sometime; in the end, though, we would not see her again until the baby was born. Believing we wanted Aria out of the apartment right away, my mom had rushed to get out the door before she was able to get Aria's things from us. It worked out and they were fine, but I felt badly that my poor planning had left them both high and dry without the bag of special toys and the list of local activities they could busy themselves with that I had prepared.
Keith had been filling up the birth tub since early morning and after contracting a while leaning on the bed focusing on Aria's Powerpuff girl or draping myself over a birth ball on the bed I was eager to move into it. I pulled my clothes off, keeping only a nursing bra on and earning the comment from Kat that she knew I was in real labor because I wasn't concerned with my nakedness. If I had been, she would've come too early. The tub was a godsend, worth every penny. It was where I would spend most of my labor. When I had to get out to go to the bathroom or move around I was not nearly as comfortable; the toilet was excruciating and other areas and positions just not as relaxing as the tub.
The first time I remember decelerations being an issue was when I had been in the tub for a short time. Kat looked for the baby's heart rate with the doppler but had trouble finding it because the baby was moving so much. When she did catch it for a moment, it was much slower than normal. She checked in with Mairi and Erin, who had been listening from their vantage point in the next room. Concerned, they came in to listen again; Mairi too had a hard time finding the heartbeat but Erin found it almost immediately. They had me change positions and the heart rate came back up. Throughout my labor this was the pattern, the baby's heart rate continually fluxuated and they monitored us both closely, changing my positioning and pulling me out of the tub at times to ensure she had the space she needed and didn't get too warm. And throughout labor, Erin had the magic touch, finding the baby's heartbeat instantaneously, even as she was doing somersaults in my belly.
My favorite labor position was leaning forward against the side of the tub, my arms and head draped over the top. Kat put a towel over the top so I could lay there comfortably; I held Keith's hand and during contractions pushed my forehead into his. I didn't realize how hard I was pushing until the next day, when I had a bruise on my forehead and rugburns on my chin from the towel.
At some point Kat brought me a washcloth scented with lemon aromatherapy drops. Between contractions I breathed in the delicious scent. I am normally very sensitive to scents and fragrances and have lots of allergies but during both pregnancies I've been obsessed with citrus. When pregnant I eat lemons by the slice, if not whole, wash my hair with grapefruit shampoo and clean the floors with lemon cleaner. I simply cannot get enough. Kat knew this about me and went out of her way to find the perfectly scented oil for my labor. Keith said later that I had a vice grip on that cloth. Once in my hands, I did not let this go for many hours; somehow breathing this in renewed my strength and resolve and concentration for the next wave to hit. It relaxed and energized me simultaneously.
Towards early evening, Mairi checked me for the first time and found I was at 6cm. "Is that IT?!?" I cried, frustrated. Mairi tried to reassure me, telling me that I was making progress, but there was a nagging at the back of my mind, reminding me that was where I'd gotten stuck during Aria's birth. I was aware of the continuing decels and kept asking "Is she OK?" I was starting to question whether I could do this. "I don't know, I don't know," I said to Mairi, unable to form a more eloquent thought or statement. Her response to my doubt got me through the rest of labor and the birth, still hours ahead of me: "You don't have to know whether you can make it through the rest of labor. All you have to know is whether you can make it through the next contraction." With a renewed sense of strength I refocused. I could make it through one more. Taking them one at a time I continued to make slow progress; I still doubted myself a bit, but knew I had a good team and lots of support and after each contraction I knew I had one more left in me. I could do this.
A little while later, Keith left the room for a few moments to grab a sandwich; when he came back he said he'd talked with Mairi and reminded her that I'd gotten stuck at six with Aria. She said she'd wished she'd remembered, that I was almost a 7, but she didn't want to get my hopes too high. Hearing that I was pushing past six, even a little, helped my confidence. My body was working, if slowly.
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